I have always had a hard time with relationships because I’m not very tolerant. I want things done my way, I don’t want to be told what to do, and I don’t like unsolicited advice. That last point is the main reason that I have problems with my future mother-in-law. I feel like she’s always trying to give me advice and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it for a really horrible reason, I’m a cocky bitch and I don’t want to take advice from anyone who isn’t “perfect” because I feel like I’m doing very well for myself. So, why would I listen to someone who isn’t “up to my standards?” Now, let me clarify for you, I don’t mean that in an “I’m not going to take advice from anyone in any area” but my mother-in-law seems to have advice about everything. I don’t mind taking advice in one area or another, in which that person excels, however, she is divorced and incredibly insecure. She doesn’t love her job and she really does not have any quality friends. Her family doesn’t like her much and despite all of this, she constantly gives advice to everyone! I’m not sure why she does it but would you really take relationship advice from someone who divorced their husband because he didn’t make enough money? That’s not to say that I don’t ever get along with her nor have fun with her, when I can put aside the fact that I’m clearly doing everything wrong in my life and need to be told the correct way of doing things (in her eyes). I’m sure Keith is going to read this and kill me but I felt like I needed to give you insight, so when I write more later you know where I’m coming from.
Now for the mother: I have a hot and cold relationship with my mother, just as I do with my future mother-in-law. I feel like my mom has taught me a great deal, but there are a lot of things that I have realized as I’ve grown up and one of them is that my mom is crazy and she’s not always right. My mom has some very neurotic behavior and often times starts fights, just to have something to say. She is incredibly pessimistic and always thinks she knows how I can be doing something better. My main issue with my mother is that again, she doesn’t have a lot of things in her life that I envy or even strive to achieve. I find it very hard to look up to someone that you don’t see a lot in their personality or way of life, that you want to become. That again might make me sound like a bitch but it’s the truth. I hold myself to EXTREMELY high standards and those that I look up to are held to the same standards. Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t meet them and I don’t like to hear about how I’m not doing something right, when I feel like she’s made so many mistakes and isn’t doing a lot “right”. But, I can’t tell her that!
The question that Keith and I ponder is “how can you be close with your family if you know that if they weren’t family, they would have nothing to offer your relationship?” That sounds cold and shallow, and of course everyone has something to offer, but really can’t you think of one person that you could probably be happy in life without? I mean I can name a few people that friends or not, my life would be pretty much the same and I could find someone else to learn from and enjoy.
“Perfect” and “right” are quoted because I am a realist in the sense that I know that no one is perfect and I believe that what is right is relative to the situation, person, and belief system.
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Wow, my relationship with my mother-in-law and mother sound very much like the ones you have with yours!! It is sooooo complicated, and let me tell you, it worries me that you are already there and not even married yet! I have been married over 14 years and have tried so hard to have a relationship with my extremely opinionated, incredibly negative mother-in-law. It is exhausting. And my mother, don't even get me started. I have pondered the same question you are about maintaining relationships with these women who seem to drag me down. I have so many wonderful relationships with other family members and friends. It is hard not to wonder if it is worth the struggle to make these difficult women in my life happy (since they never are). I wish you luck in the future as you move forward in these relationships. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I just don't!!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky enough to have TWO mothers-in-law because the in-laws are divorced. Mom is crazy and lives several states away, living the high life after many years of really bizarre behavior. She always referred to me, to her friends, as "whatsername."
Step-mom definitely has it more together, but she's acidic and has some issues of her own - my son, age 7, decided he doesn't like her because "she's mean." She picked a nasty fight with my husband, in front of our kids, and then proceeded to insult the kids and make them cry.
My parents are the normal ones.
My advice is this:
As long as you want your parents in your life, you must set limits. This might mean you answer every third phone call, limit the time you spend with them to perhaps an afternoon for a family event - or an afternoon of one-on-one time, and no more. If/when you have children, you decide how much time the grandparents get to spend with them (for the child's sake as well as your own peace of mind) and if it's impossible to determine, then this is the result: If grandma wants the kids, then she gets their parents, too. Supervised visits. My in-laws at one time were regular drunks and there was no way I was going to leave my young children with them for even an hour. They'd have been virtually unsupervised.
You & hubby need to support each other. This might mean deciding when enough is enough, and there will be no more beating the dead horse of whose mother did what on which day. These are still your moms, and after a while, the brow-beating can hurt and just plain wear a person out. Support each other - complain to each other - find solutions you can both live with regarding how to deal with the parents. Accept (and this is really really hard) that they aren't likely to change, and even if they DO change they likely won't fit the idea of "parent" that you have in your mind. I think Alcoholics Anonymous has something like that in their book. The person might stop their strange behavior, but they won't magically become "perfect."
Take the advice with a grain of salt. Smile and nod and say How Interesting and then do what you want. This rejoinder almost always works well for us: "So, how'd that work out for you?" Example: (mother) "If you want your husband to stay married to you, then you better give him all the sex he wants whenever he wants."
(you) "Huh. So, how'd that work out for you?"
My husband and I have had 17 years of married life to hone our Dealing with Crazy Parent skills, and we're still doing some fine-tuning. It can be done - but it takes practice and patience. Some advice is ok and even good - but in the end, only you & hubby can figure out what works for you. The things I mention here have worked for us. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
Thank you both for your comments!!! I read them aloud to Keith and we enjoyed what you had to say Kathy. I will definitely tuck your advice away for the next time that we have to deal with the "mothers." They are indeed very crazy but they're not the only ones. My whole family is a bit nuts and actually Keith and I had a very good conversation about who we would let watch the kids/spend time alone with them this weekend. We've come to the conclusion, no one in either family! :) I'm just kidding but honestly, I really believe that no one in either family is completely sane and competent.
ReplyDeleteKeep your sense of humor, for sure! It's not easy, sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIf/when you have kids, try not to bicker about this stuff in front of them. We remembered this a little bit late, so now our kids (who have dad's very dry wit) jump in with funny remarks to one-up each other on what ridiculous thing is going to happen next. They're old enough to not do this in front of the grandparents, though, thankfully.