books.budget.babies.

I've been trying to get back into reading because I've lost sight of what it's like to have down time. So, I just started reading a new book called "Summer at Tiffany." It's a great book but boy has it made me really want to start shopping and that's not good because I just started a new budget. Keith and I are trying REALLY hard to save money towards a down payment, vaca's, retirement, etc. It only seems to get harder and harder to save because the older we get the more things require our money. Because of this, we decided to start a budget and really keep track of how much we're spending by putting everything on our credit card and then paying the balance in full at the end of the month. Seems to be working but this book is making me want to shop, shop, and shop some more!!! :)

The other thing on my mind right now is babies! I have really thought long and hard about it and I want to adopt for sure. I need to start looking into it more!

I feel there are a lot of social issues that are prevalent in today's society and one in particular surfaces frequently in my line of work. Parents are constantly being poor parents and leave much of the responsibility of raising their children to teachers. Parents are acting selfishly and do not want to dedicate the necessary amount of time and effort to raise their own children, so they rely on others. It drives me nuts! Why have kids if you're not going to spend time with them and raise them properly? Then the other side of the coin is that people are having babies, realizing that they can't handle the responsibility too late in the game, and giving them up for adoption. This is leading to an overwhelming amount of children in government care, which breaks my heart in an entirely different way. Everyone needs and deserves LOVE and we need to start giving it to those that are already on Earth, especially innocent children.

Anyway, that leads me to the issue of our current society; we're all too selfish! This is why I want to adopt. I want to adopt because that's one of the main ways that I can break the cycle of selfishness in my own life. People always say, "Well, I want my kids to look like me." I think that's incredibly selfish if we take a step back and really think about it. At that moment we have the possibility to help a child (that's already born and in this cruel world, all alone) and yet we chose to reproduce just because we want them to look like us. Why has that become so important? We're too vain as a society (which is another issue in and of itself)...

appreciations.

Are you ever in need of a little pat on the back to help lift your mood? I feel like that's the one thing that is really missing at my job. Compliments and encouragement from the administration is few and far between. Therefore, I've taken on a new mission. I'm going to try my best to spread love, encouragement, and peace throughout the halls at school. Today, I had all of the kids write one nice thing about all the employees at school. Then, I typed them all up and emailed them to each employee. I have charged myself with the task of doing something uplifting at least once a week. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share!

pondering.

I just started thinking about how I got started blogging. I started with a list of questions and statements about myself/what I believed and felt. I thought I was going to finish the questions throughout the year and share more and more about myself. I got busy and/or lazy and never finished. Well, I found these light hearted questions that provoked a little thought but gave some insight into my less serious side.

1. What makes you smile? Almost anything, but especially joking about dirty humor (I know, real mature, right?). I love to smile and I think I have a great one. I'm not shy about sharing my strengths and weaknesses. Sunny days and long walks make me feel good and usually relieve all of my stress. If that fails to bring a smile to my face, there's always sex as a stress reliever (there I go being dirty again).

2. What are your favorite things to do in the past? What about now? In the past, I loved to go out with friends to the bar or dinner. I also like to have them over for a night in, a good movie, and a sleepover. Now that "sleepovers" aren't exactly something that adults do, I still enjoy going out to dinner with friends. I also like reading and watching movies with Keith. There really isn't anything that I don't like to do.

3. What activities make you lose track of time? Working and surfing the web. Facebook is a little addicting and I definitely cannot stay away from my email. Crafts, if it's the right one, can also drag me away from reality for a while.

4. What makes you feel great about yourself? To be honest, I'm really driven by external motivation. I need to really focus on making myself intrinsically happy but it's a hard thing to change and although I try to work on it, it's just easier to let other people do the work. But, what happens when they don't fulfill that need? Trust me, I see the issue with my logic.

5. Who inspires you most? (Anyone you know or do not know. Family, friends, authors, artists, leaders, etc.) Which qualities inspire you, in each person? I'm inspired by a lot of people, which would take me forever to write up, so here are the top few:

My father inspires me to work hard and do whatever it takes to provide for your family.

My mother inspires me to love (no matter how backwards you show that love) everyone.

Keith inspires me to better myself and love who I've become.

6. What are you naturally good at? (Skills, abilities, gifts etc.) I'm naturally good at sports, crafts, cooking, and learning.

7. What do people typically ask you for help in? People usually ask for my help in planning or organizing.

8. If you had to teach something, what would you teach? I teach math, so that's a no brainer! ;)

9. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? I would regret not having loved ones: friends, family, children,etc. Whatever form the loved ones come in, I'll embrace but life without significant interpersonal relationships would really bring me down.

long time. busy year.

It has been a remarkably long time since I've posted. My goal is to get back into posting regularly, however, time is always an issue. There is so much to cover over the past year, that I'm not sure where to begin. I need to write about Keith's graduation, our vacation, Keith's new job, the continuation of my job, moving again, wedding planning, family developments (cousin's baby, getting a puppy, family relationships, etc.), and the list goes on. However, my primary focus for today's blog is to vent; to share feelings that have built up over time and are about to explode, again.

Let's start with the dysfunction of Keith's family... his father spent Christmas day through the 30th of December at our house. During this time, we filled it with family dinners and other activities that brought him closer to our world. Quality time was spent together throughout the visit, granted it was all with my family because his father doesn't have any family left, but it was still quality time. After the visit, I hear from his sister that he was upset because he didn't get any time alone with Keith (keep in mind that they spent one-whole day of his four day trip going to the city and attending a Bulls game without me). Despite my best efforts to make him feel like part of a family it just wasn't enough.

Now, just today, Keith was speaking with his mother and again she mentioned that she would like to go on a date, alone. She constantly specifies that she would appreciate quality time alone (which really just means without me, because I'm always the only one there). So, needless to say, it makes me mad that they try to exclude me. My family is incredibly accepting and never excludes anyone. Also, in my family it's an excepted fact that Keith and I are a team and we do things together. Not saying that we can't do things apart but we enjoy being together and there's just no logical reason to exclude someone, if they have nothing else to do. The invitations in my family are always open-ended and extended to everyone (as evidenced by Ken's invitation to our Christmas).

Keith's sister has also mentioned that she doesn't want me to attend all family events because she wasn't to spend time with Keith alone. I've never done anything to anyone in their family and I've always been respectful. I'm not sure what their problem is...

Am I being too sensitive? Is there a logical reason that I should not be invited to a dinner with Keith's mother? Is there a logical reason that his sister doesn't invite me to come see her new apartment? Is there a logical reason that his father doesn't enjoy coming to stay at our house? If there is, I just don't see it and I always end up hurt because yet again, I'm not being accepted into his family. Everything his family does is centered around secrets, excluding people, and overall just being a little deceitful. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't understand it.

On a happier note, I will share the events over the year as quickly and in as much vivid detail as I can over the coming weeks. I have been incredibly neglectful with writing because of the time I spend working on a daily basis. Isn't that truly pathetic? Work takes over and I don't even have 30 minutes to write in a night. We'll see what the weeks bring, but I'll try to catch up!

crazy week ahead.

This week is going to be totally busy! Keith's dad is flying in for his graduation on Friday and staying until Monday. Keith's graduation is Saturday and then we're hosting a party at our house after. Sunday is Mother's Day and my crazy aunt it making it a big deal that I might not make the two hour trip to see my mom (even though she knows that I'm going to see my mom on Saturday for the grad/party). Errr! I will definitely take time to write tonight and post either today or tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful, I can't blame it on anything besides laziness. I have been completely wrapped up with Entourage and have gotten all of the episodes for NetFlix. I have been trying to catch up to the current season, but that's a lot of watching to do. I love the show because I feel like I know the characters... it's really sad but I am obsessed. I NEVER watch TV but since discovering this show on Hulu, I can't seem to stop watching it. I just want to know what happens to them! Like I said, I'll write more later tonight!

mother and mother-in-law.

I have always had a hard time with relationships because I’m not very tolerant. I want things done my way, I don’t want to be told what to do, and I don’t like unsolicited advice. That last point is the main reason that I have problems with my future mother-in-law. I feel like she’s always trying to give me advice and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it for a really horrible reason, I’m a cocky bitch and I don’t want to take advice from anyone who isn’t “perfect” because I feel like I’m doing very well for myself. So, why would I listen to someone who isn’t “up to my standards?” Now, let me clarify for you, I don’t mean that in an “I’m not going to take advice from anyone in any area” but my mother-in-law seems to have advice about everything. I don’t mind taking advice in one area or another, in which that person excels, however, she is divorced and incredibly insecure. She doesn’t love her job and she really does not have any quality friends. Her family doesn’t like her much and despite all of this, she constantly gives advice to everyone! I’m not sure why she does it but would you really take relationship advice from someone who divorced their husband because he didn’t make enough money? That’s not to say that I don’t ever get along with her nor have fun with her, when I can put aside the fact that I’m clearly doing everything wrong in my life and need to be told the correct way of doing things (in her eyes). I’m sure Keith is going to read this and kill me but I felt like I needed to give you insight, so when I write more later you know where I’m coming from.

Now for the mother: I have a hot and cold relationship with my mother, just as I do with my future mother-in-law. I feel like my mom has taught me a great deal, but there are a lot of things that I have realized as I’ve grown up and one of them is that my mom is crazy and she’s not always right. My mom has some very neurotic behavior and often times starts fights, just to have something to say. She is incredibly pessimistic and always thinks she knows how I can be doing something better. My main issue with my mother is that again, she doesn’t have a lot of things in her life that I envy or even strive to achieve. I find it very hard to look up to someone that you don’t see a lot in their personality or way of life, that you want to become. That again might make me sound like a bitch but it’s the truth. I hold myself to EXTREMELY high standards and those that I look up to are held to the same standards. Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t meet them and I don’t like to hear about how I’m not doing something right, when I feel like she’s made so many mistakes and isn’t doing a lot “right”. But, I can’t tell her that!

The question that Keith and I ponder is “how can you be close with your family if you know that if they weren’t family, they would have nothing to offer your relationship?” That sounds cold and shallow, and of course everyone has something to offer, but really can’t you think of one person that you could probably be happy in life without? I mean I can name a few people that friends or not, my life would be pretty much the same and I could find someone else to learn from and enjoy.

“Perfect” and “right” are quoted because I am a realist in the sense that I know that no one is perfect and I believe that what is right is relative to the situation, person, and belief system.

life reflection question #2.

If a student (or child) came up to you and asked what "real-life" is going be like, what would you tell them?

If a college student asked what life will be like, I would tell them that it’s only as hard as you make it. You can pick your battles in life – that’s a hard lesson to learn but a very important one! I have also learned that no matter how much you try to not let money influence your life, it does. I’ve heard time and time again that “you don’t need money to be happy.” That’s true, but it sure does help! I never really thought about it until this point because I always had what I wanted – I could ask my parents for clothes or CD or spending money or whatever and we always went on vacations. I never really reflected on the items that I had and what it would be like if I had to choose between paying the rent or going on vacation. Not that I’m poor now, but I’m just not as established as my parents are and in the adult work there are a lot of needs that must come before the wants. ** I must say that I sound like a brat when you read what I’ve written about my childhood but honestly, I was always grateful for my upbringing. I just never connected the dots and realized that my parents were probably making significant sacrifices to give me the things that I wanted.

Back to my previous statement “life is only as hard as you make it.” I have learned three valuable lessons: pick your battles, choose good partners (friends, family, and business), and don’t procrastinate.

Pick your battles – A prime example of this happened yesterday, when Comcast decided to change our channels over from analog to digital. Because of this, we lost numerous channels and are stuck with either 10 high definition channels or 30 regular channels, after we bought a high def television! I called them up in a huff and what did they say, “Well we can’t help you because that’s in our policy that we can change viewing stations and no, you can’t cancel unless you pay a $150 cancellation fee.” WTF! So I decided that instead of fighting a battle that I can’t win and being emotionally upset about it, I would decide not to care and would not use Comcast once I moved. There are multiple examples of “pick your battles” but this one still pisses me off, so I thought I’d share. I don’t think I know one person who actually likes Comcast by the way!

Choose good partners – I don’t mean like “life partners” although I’m not opposed to homosexuality at all. I just want to be clear that when I say partners, I talking friends, family (whomever you choose to bring into your already existing family), and business partners, pretty much anyone you have in your life by choice. This is the one area in life where you really have the opportunity to be picky and make sure that your choices affect you in a positive way. I feel like I have had many different opportunities to choose a person who would be a positive addition to my life and a person who would be a negative addition. In the past, especially high school, I picked the person who would be a negative influence for the simple reason that they always seemed to be having more fun. They had access to items that I shouldn’t have had access to and they were willing to share. Now, looking back I regret those decisions. I wish I had more friends and people who really cared about me, in a way I realize that I lost my chance with the positive people and I feel isolated and alone. I once had this friend named Jenna who lived on the wild side a bit and another friend named Nicole who was a little quieter and always cared what people thought. I felt had to decided (another big mistake, why can’t you be friends with more than one person?) who I wanted to be friends with; I picked Jenna. She had older guy friends, drank a bit, and had unlimited amounts of pot. She was a lot of fun to hang out with but I somehow knew that we would move past the surface fun and realize that we didn’t have a true friendship. Sure enough, we did and I ended up friendless. This happened so many times in my life at this point that I can’t even count them all!

Don’t Procrastinate – This lesson was very simple; I figured out early on that if you don’t procrastinate then you have more time to fix mistakes if you should make them! I always try to get my work done early because then if I hear that I need to add, change, or redo something, I have time and I still meet the “due dates.”